America Do Love God

He was lying in a ditch next to the road. A cold autumn wind. The shadow of death approached.

He shouted:

Lord, help me! Lord, help me! Lord, hear me! It’s me, it’s me! Over here, Lord! I....I....I...I’m here, near the road. And there’s a field over there.

Is it good there? Bad? I don’t know. It’s not far from the road. There’s a birch. An old one. Almost no leaves. A piercing wind. Damp. Autumn wind.

With some effort he got up. At one point he lost his memory. He came to as he was stroking the trunk of the birch. Rough. His palms felt the bark covered in moss. The age of the birch. The solitude of the birch. He heard the birch’s voice, shivering with cold:

Lord, some warmth!

The Savior at the wedding in Cana of Galilee changed water into wine. Why shouldn’t He perform another miracle here and now? Let this old birch sprout green spring leaves in this cold autumn!

Shaking from need. Shaking from need. His hands could not stop stroking the birch’s bark. Shaking from need. And its cry merged with his prayer.

His hands could not stop stroking the birch’s bark. He sheltered himself as well as he could against the cold. Shaking from need.

Hoping it would happen...

But I got tired of standing up. I sat down on ground damp from a recent rain.

I sat and waited. I thought: every blade of grass awaits the Lord’s bounty. Hopes. Trembles. And demands. And demands.

And demands. And craves. And hopes.

In his mind. And reaches in every possible way. And demands in every possible way.

On that autumn day I craved warmth.

Overhead the sky was gray. The cold wind’s metal almost touched my heart with its sharp edge.

God! Warm me with your love!--and my desperate cry was heard.

I felt easier. I could breathe. Even breathe freely.

In those moments I grew younger. As though I’d been born again.

I got up and left. I walked away from the road. Across the field. My rubber boots sank in the mud. But that didn’t get in the way of my thoughts. Surely I could do more with my life, be a better person. I’d failed to help one person, offended someone else, I was ready to repent, but now more than anything I wanted--to live. And I shouted again into the cold wind:

O God, love me until the last minute I’m alive!

A flock of crows answered my cry. They were flying over just then.

By that time the wind was lashing me with rain and snow.

I fell into a hole filled with muddy water. My boots got heavy from the water. Rubber boots were useless. My legs froze. And I truly understood the bleakness and nearness of death. Only my breath was still warm. I caught my breath at the thought: maybe the Lord is cold because we don’t love him enough?

And then I picked up a cell phone, so to speak, closer to the sky:

Hello! Connect me with the Lord... Miss angel, quickly please... It’s urgent... What?!

A voice: The line is temporarily unavailable. Or there is no answer. Please try again later.

Earth’s reality returned to me. No, there wasn’t any love here. There was wet snow. Cold wind. Icy wind.

I stubbornly kept going. Ahead I saw something reddish and tangled. The rusted remains of a wrecked car. From its entrails rose tall weeds with heads like little yellow pillows. Not a wheel, not a window. I looked at the car’s skeleton and didn’t think about Russia’s icy expanse nor even about myself, sinner that I am; what came into my head was far-off America. That, by the way, is also a Russian trait. When the time comes to think about death’s arrival, your thoughts fly across the sea, to the ends of the earth.

Over my head through the sky’s chill flashed a blinding white ray of light. It burned out and instantly disappeared.

For some reason I felt stronger. And I remembered the fast highways of America. That’s where you can enjoy this earthly life. In America you can take a sniper’s cruel aim at success in this earthly life.

The Lord is good to America.

America is the richest.

America is the strongest.

America is Hollywood.

People want to discover America again and again.

11 September, 2001.

America changed.

And the Lord? Does he still love America the same?

Miss angel, do you recognize my voice? Connect me please with the line I just called...

A voice: The line is temporarily unavailable. Or there is no answer. Please try again later.

When I got home, I went straight to my old computer. I had a feeling I had received an answer.

On the screen I read:

THERE IS A SECRET TO GOD’S LOVE. YOU CAN FIND IT ONLY WITH A LOVING HEART

About myself. The medical diagnosis: angina. A bad kettle of fish. I start breathing hard when I climb a hill. It feels uncomfortable. I start thinking about death. But I still want to live. To write. That’s really all there is to say about me.